Human nature is contradictory. Opposing feelings can exist within us at the same time, and this often creates intense inner tension.
When the war began, many men voluntarily chose to become defenders. For some, the decision was heroic and felt inevitable, but for the woman left with children, daily responsibilities and fear, it could also be deeply painful. She was not always able to influence that choice, even when she opposed it.
In this situation it is entirely normal to feel anger, resentment, fear, self-pity and concern for one’s children. It is normal to become tired of waiting, of anxiety at night, and of having to explain everything to children while continuing to hold oneself together.
The heroic image of the service member can create an inner conflict: if he is a hero, do I have the right to be angry? Can I say aloud that I am hurting, exhausted or afraid? Guilt and shame then appear, together with a prohibition against one’s own ‘uncomfortable’ feelings.
Constant rumination, the inability to speak and shame about one’s own experience lead to exhaustion. It is therefore especially important to find a safe circle in which everything can be spoken aloud: respect, love and pride, as well as anger and a sense of injustice. Real support becomes possible only where there is room for every feeling.