There are many situations in which close friends or relatives do not know that a woman is being abused. Physical assault is often recognised as clearly terrible, while psychological abuse is excused or minimised. Society frequently says that the victim is ‘to blame’, and women may begin to feel guilty within such relationships.
Where physical abuse is present, emotional abuse is almost always present too. It is subtler and harder to recognise at first. It may begin with hurtful jokes, sarcasm, ambiguous compliments or brief comments about your ‘imperfections’. It may then develop into restrictions on social activity, often not directly but through manipulation of guilt.
If you want to spend an evening with friends or relatives and your partner reacts in a way that makes you feel guilty, that is not acceptable. It is your right. Your partner may be dissatisfied or offended, but that is their response and not your fault.
A victim often begins to limit contact gradually. There are fewer friends and communication outside the family almost disappears. This happens imperceptibly. The partner displaces other people from her life. The woman becomes isolated and loses access to outside support, feedback and reassurance that she is not at fault for what her partner is doing.
Such men can appear pleasant, charismatic and successful socially. They may be liked at work and welcomed by acquaintances. A different part of their personality emerges in close contact. A lively, emotional and open woman may be treated as someone to subdue or break. Over time, guilt, shame and secrecy may make her increasingly withdrawn.
Put simply, a man who hits a woman may be popular in society while she is labelled ‘hysterical’. This is why women may be afraid to seek help: their account is treated as complaining, exaggeration or invention.
I want every woman to hear this: if someone restricts your development, prevents you from working, pushes you, restricts your freedom of movement, hits you, devalues you, makes you beg for money, limits contact with friends or threatens you, this is not normal. You are not to blame. There is no shame in being a victim or in asking for help. The shame lies in condemning someone who is in this situation.
Victims of tyranny are not always weak women. A man may choose a strong, independent woman precisely because he wants to subdue and break her. This may happen through explosive episodes or through consistent devaluation and control. The central point remains: when a person chooses to hit or psychologically break another person, responsibility belongs to the person who made that choice.
Therapeutic work in this area does not begin with pressure or a demand to ‘leave immediately’. It begins by restoring contact with oneself, one’s boundaries and one’s sense of the reality of what is happening, as well as the right to ask for support.